Happy Veteran's Day

Dear Husband, Mom, Manny, the Manny's wife to be, Rockin' Sister in Law, Mother in Law, Father in Law, Tabitha, David, Grandpa, Charlie, Mark, Steve, and many, many others especially those in Iraq and Afghanistan:

Thank you for serving you all are wonderful people who I am blessed to know.

Love,

Jennie

American Cemetery in Normandy

Is this Heaven? No it's America.

"When people are locked down by the threat of death they control the only thing they have. They choose to be happy and love life."

That sentence came at the end of a rant that was part of an email to me by the husband this morning. The rant was quite moving honestly. For someone that is not experiencing such an in your face this is how much the world exists life changing experience it is hard to really even imagine the magnitude of the poverty in Africa. And to think when Mr. Man goes to the displaced persons camp later in the trip he will see even more heart ripping out of your chest sights. Disclosure: I believe in God and that God has given us each a purpose and certain gifts. I also really believe we are called to do things in our lifetime and wholeheartedly believe I was NOT called to be on this trip. I would come back broken. My calling for this trip was to remain here, to have my own mirror put up in front of my face, to encourage my husband on his life change through writing him nightly. And perhaps even to write this drivel for you all to read. My husband was called to build buildings, swing sets, bunk beds without power tools, to deliver a generator to Christine (the woman who runs the orphanage) so they may pump water out of their new well. Imagine if you were given a generator, what would you do with it? Would it sit in your garage, basement, under a tarp next to your house? She cried she was so happy to receive a generator...the kids have running water now. He went to be shaken to his core.

I was also surprised by a phone call from him today. I asked him what it was like there. He said "this place is great." He said a lot more than that, but I what I took from the conversation and following email was that he is seeing such happiness in people created by things that we here take for granted. They are so grateful knowing that people they have never met care that much for them. Humans are meant to be compassionate. The husband is working with Kenyans on the building projects and loves learning the Kenyan way of doing things and sharing how Americans do things. Which brings me to where I completely lost it today, honestly, a few times, or really everytime I think of what my husband said. He had a conversation with a local man in which the man stated that he knew he was going to Heaven and that he was sure it was like America in Heaven because he had seen pictures of America and all that we have. Feeling a tad verklempt talk amongst yourselves....

We have so so much here. And why? Why are we not happy? Why is the house never big enough, the clothes never trendy enough, the flat screen, um, flat enough? I was not supposed to go to Kenya but I am supposed to be happy with what I have and do unto others...

Cancer the Crab with a Kenyan update

I don't check my horoscope or really put much thought into astrology. However if you read about traits of Cancers (why that name, I mean really?) I pretty much fit it perfectly. I am a big mushy mess on the inside who compensates by having a nice hard outer shell with mean pincers. Unfortunately, this results in me bottling things up and then having a quarterly tantrum. I don't cry in public, my husband and mom have seen me cry in recent years but I can only think of one time that I did in front of friends as an adult. I didn't cry at my wedding and I didn't cry when my kids were surgically removed from me, but I am an extremely emotional person. This blog allows me to write out thoughts that I would never say to people in person, I am pretty shy at first and then I will disclose stuff and then pretty soon it is impossible to shut me up. I believe this last part is because I crave adult interaction and when I get it I blab and blab and blab. I forget while writing sometimes that this gets posted on Facebook and then I worry that people I know in real life will think I am either: nuts, a bitch, ungrateful, snobby, and/or (of course) a socialist. But hey this is pretty much who I am. Then the husband left for Kenya and my stupid shell got cracked or something...

This trip is so emotional for me and I have yet to really figure out why. I am not there experiencing anything, just my normal day to day routine, and yet I feel like I am experiencing so much of it. This is causing my usual state of trying to NOT be emotional at all costs to be turned on its head. I am happy and thankful and nervous and so incredibly proud of the person I married all at the same time. The normal hard shell of resentment is just gone and I feel quite exposed.

The nice thing about him being there is that even though he is in a place of such poverty for a $1 an hour he can write me an email to tell me about his day. Maybe that is why I feel apart of his trip. He's a private person and I'm not sure he would be into me sharing his emotions but I just have to share this:

"I have realized that 3 year olds can listen and not run around like crazy people, I also know that 7 year olds can take care of babies and you can be happy with nothing its just a choice."

He has been there for two days and just being around these kids he has seen things that we here try our hardest to block from view or somehow try to tell ourselves the people in that situation deserve what they get. When I read his sentence I started laughing and got choked up at the same time. I know so many grown adults that are so selfish and irresponsible there is no way on God's green Earth I would let them watch a baby, and yet in Kenya a 7 year can because she knows nothing else. The mere thought of a three year old listening sounds impossible but he seems convinced and that last part about happiness, well that's what choked me up.

This weekend he got to play with the kids, I guess soccer (or football as the rest of the world calls it) and then today they took the kids swimming at the hotel, all 27 of them. These kids have never swam before. I distinctly remember NOT wanting to take my kids swimming because it seemed like such as hassle. My foot is starting to taste awfully good. Tomorrow he starts work on the kitchen and playground and I most likely will get choked up again, share some thoughts with whomever is still reading this and then salt and pepper my foot before shoving it in my mouth.

We are blessed so we may be a blessing...

The husband is leaving for Nairobi in two days to help out an AIDS orphanage. The children's parents have all died from AIDS and some of the kids have HIV. Our room is filled with donated items that he will be cramming into his suitcases to bring over to the kids. His trip is weighing heavily on my mind. I at first was feeling the usual resentment that I get when he works late or is out of town too long on business. But in the past couple of days I feel fear and anxiety and complete amazement. My husband can piss me off like no other but I love him like no other as well. I am not fearful of my two weeks with the kids we will have fun, I have family near by and our new dear Manny is here in case the bogey man shows up...but....but I am still nervous for his safety and quite frankly it will be emotional there and I wish I could be there to share that with him. This man does amaze me, just when I think that I have got him pegged and I know him so very well he does something like this. Neither one of us understand why he is going and we were discussing how strange it is that you never really know why you do things until AFTER you have done them.

The past couple of days have been pretty stressful for me. Things that I always take for granted I am noticing and am feeling so very blessed to have them. When I heard some women today complaining about grocery shopping and buying food for their families I wanted to wring their little necks and scream what the F*%K ladies! I too have complained many a time about this "chore." My husband is going to Kenya to help people who truly have nothing, and while he is the one leaving I have just had a very large mirror put right in front of my face and I am rather disgusted at what I see.

I was also informed by my dear husband last night that he will be spending part of his time in a displaced persons camp. My heart leapt into my throat. Seriously?!? He and his friend decided not to go on a post helping out the orphanage safari (picture safari PETA calm down) and to instead purchase and deliver solar powered cooking equipment to this camp. He really does amaze me.

Here are two pictures taken by his contact person in Kenya of the camp:

Oh and here is a special message for all of the people who are convinced that the government and big pharma are trying to kill you with their vaccines and antibiotics: Send your vaccines and antibiotics and that poisonous (snort) Tamiflu to these people! They WILL appreciate them, they are badly needed here, unlike you they do not have the luxury of sanitary water, fruit, veggies (organic or otherwise) vitamins and if they were to get sick from something as *laughable* as the flu (seasonal or H1N1) they would most likely die. But you can keep your Latisse prescription because that is just silly...is there anything Brooke Shields won't endorse?

This blog post has an NC-17 rating in my opinion, you've been warned

"We are going to have a substitute today Mommy."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"My teacher is going to the dentist. The substitute is pretty."

"Why is she pretty?'

"She has long blonde hair like baby girl."

Baby girl turned around to smile. So I asked her what she thought was pretty, to which she stated that Hello Kitty was pretty.

This idea of pretty or beauty has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I think it started because I am making an honest effort to beautify my appearance everyday. This involves things that I thought I had a knack for but clearly I do not. I still can't figure out eye make up for the life of me. How do you people keep this stuff on all day? I put on make up and, no lie, ten minutes later it is gone. I also am wondering about beauty and society and such, not for my own insecureness, but because of baby girl. I have seen two videos this week regarding this subject matter. One is from Dove and shows what is done to "make" someone beautiful. Hair, make up, then computer imaging. The other was from the strip pole world championships. Don't worry everyone was fully clothed and while I am not a frequenter of strip clubs I have seen this advertised as a way for the suburban mom crowd to get into shape. So I am adding stripper to the ongoing list of roles that are now put out by society for women. I am only guessing now, but based on what the internets and cable tells me, it seems as though I am to wear nothing but high heels and pearls while I cook gourmet meals and cookies all day, somehow go to work naked to please the glass ceiling with my happy hour cocktail in hand, stay at home to watch the kids while exercising with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, have fake nails, highlights, fake D cups, a brazilian, Botox, laser hair removal, lip plumpers, and wait for it... I was just informed this evening LVR. (Or to those of you not in the know a Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation.) I so wish I was lying, but I am not.


Since I am not one to watch Dr. 90210, The Doctors, Oprah (hey spellcheck doesn't know Oprah that's weird) and Dr. Oz I was not in the Vajayjay loop. I even have a OBGYN for a mom and STILL did not know that this was a, um, thing to do. Now granted, I am sure there are post-childbirth cases out there that may need surgical intervention (don't know for sure I have an abdominal scar from my birthing of people), however, this is being advertised as "Your Most Personal Makeover."

This little makeover is performed at your local vaginal rejuvenation center. Seriously people that's all I need my daughter feeling insecure about as a young woman, her butt, thighs, chest, but her labia??? Apparently this place can make that particular body part more symmetrical. Not to mention the 87% success rate for their g-spot amplification and "designer" vaginoplasty, not just your run of the mill vaginoplasty, but DESIGNER. What the hell is a vaginoplasty?

I am really at a loss here, honestly. I can't believe my daughter is going to come of age and all this nonsense will be beating her down. This ad was posted in local magazine it is full of laser centers, some anti aging hormonal nonsense, lose inches by laser, it goes on and on...all geared to women, not a single man in the before and after pictures. The other side of this ad was for your good old fashion family run local pumpkin patch it wasn't like I was hanging out with a Maxim or anything. I want my daughter to be a secure woman, not a plastic doll with no brain and full of ideas about how not even her girly parts are off limits to plastic surgery. I try to show her a good example even at her young age, that one must eat healthy, exercise, voice her opinions, we encourage education and hard work in our family. But I too am insecure about my looks despite what some may think, I really do care about how I look. I want her to feel proud of herself and feel the power of her body and not worried about trying to look like a porn star at 16, 25, 30, 45, or 60. I'm not Catholic but she may end up in a Convent. And I didn't see one single ad for the penile enlargement spa, I guess there is Viagra for that matter.

click on the picture to see all my snarky comments and gory details (not sure this works on FB feeder)

Is Ambien compatible with nursing?

You've all heard the saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Well as you have noticed I have not said anything for a good month. Because, really, who wants to hear what has been running through my mind. Nothing pleasant, inspiring, happy, grateful, instead of lot of poor little me. It was getting obnoxious even to me. I really have not a whole lot to complain about, I am well provided for, got my dream house this year, finally went shopping, I am going to London, the husband is going to Kenya. But the poor old me just kept returning. I am well aware it is primarily due to lack of sleep.

My kids are on top of me needing something all day long. We entered some other dimension this year with the boy starting state mandated school. I am not in charge of the schedule. He has homework, books to read, egg cartons to fill with stuff, letters to write over and over. Then there is the football which is an entirely different blog. Big fat baby is working on some upper teeth and it must be pretty painful because he howls quite a lot. Baby girl has become one of the most stubborn people on planet Earth. She now just laughs at me when she is put in a time out. Or when I get mad at her and scream...yes I am now screaming. I feel like I deserve the best mommy in the world award.

And then night falls. And our nighttime routine begins. The baby goes down first. Then the big kids get baths, jammies, stories, teeth brushing. Then we say prayers, usually multiple times because everyone wants everyone in THEIR room while prayers are said. (Then I feel guilty because I am annoyed at the whole praying thing.) The boy goes to bed. Baby girl becomes more demanding than Mariah Carey! I want water. There is a booger on my finger. Will you sleep in here all night? How about a little bit? Hold my hand (with the booger now smeared). Leave my light on! So the husband runs off to do whatever (until last night it was to watch baseball) and I sit with baby girl and hold her hand until she falls asleep. Because she will scream and scream chasing me around the house demanding all sorts of heinous things like food and water if I don't. Finally she gets to sleep....and big fat baby wakes up and wants food. So I feed him. After he is down again I make a mad rush to pick up the house because if I wake up to a mess I go nuclear, I'm not even kidding. Then I get ready for bed and lay down. Husband wanders in and turns on t.v. to watch the weather babe and Conan (even though he was watching t.v. downstairs, yes ladies men are strange creatures). I let out a large exasperated sigh put the pillow over my head and fall asleep. For an hour and then I am awoken to find baby girl fussing in my face once again about the booger. I turn off Conan because the husband is now snoring. I take baby girl back to bed screaming. Lay down in her bed to get her to sleep. Then big fat baby wakes up. He's not really hunger he just thinks he is, but his teeth actually hurt so I give him Tylenol, which I realize I should have done way earlier. Then I put him down. He get back up 20 minutes later. We do this dance for about an hour and a half. Then baby girl decides that she will sleep with mommy and daddy and brings all her own bedding. Last night we had added fun because the the boy who usually sleeps through everything was up as well. His legs hurts, his knee hurts, I'm going to sleep with you. Then at 5:45 am big fat baby wakes up and the boy declares that oops I wet your bed mom and baby girl starts fussing because she was woken up from her beauty sleep. Sometimes the dog and the cat want their needs met in the middle of then night as well. It never ends. All of this makes me very tired and look like shit. I try my best but lately it just doesn't even matter. I have little patience and am over caffeinated. Plus I am working on a very serious conundrum: is it better to have an audience of three while going to the bathroom or to deal with the chaos that occurs if I shut the door?

Then some nights (about once every two weeks) everyone sleeps and all is well in my little world. This is why I never write anymore I am tired, and I live with the fear that it will all be taken away from me and my problems really aren't even problems because if someone is going to keep me up for nights on end I am happy it is my family. Simply because they are mine.

(I typed this in 15 minutes and was only sat on once and yelled for twice...it may be a good day.)

Beefeaters, the Tower Bridge, Harrods, and Hugh Grant?

I am supposed to be doing a few other things besides blogging...like folding two loads of laundry, making the boys bed up with his new bedspread and pillows his great grandma made him, preparing for tonight's billing paying and budgeting party I am having with the CPA husband. It is going to be a hoot! But you know what I am blogging with wine glass in hand to you kind souls...all six of you who read this drivel.

I have a problem about not doing things that I want to do and then feeling resentment about it. I am not sure if all moms do this or just the crowd that I run with. I am pretty sure that my mom just always did what she wanted to...and still does. But I noticed last week that I don't own lipstick. I noticed this because I needed to kiss a paper cut out of my hand and send it to school with baby girl. I used chapstick. I also noticed my hair hadn't been cut since February and the grays were up there multiplying and sneering. I realized that I have not bought clothes for myself with out a gift card (given to me by my concerned mother) for 4 years. FOUR YEARS!!!!! Outlet mall in St. Augustine, FL thank you kindly. My clothes are hand me downs of said concerned mother or gifts of said concerned mother. I WANT NEW CLOTHES. It is not that we can't afford new clothes, or that my husband won't let me shop or any such nonsense. It is that I don't take the time. I don't take the time to purchase lipstick, cut my hair, I only go to the gym when the two older kids are at school and the baby will nap there (and there are less kids there so he won't get sick).

The husband does not have this problem. When he is tired mid day on a random Saturday you can find him snoozing in front of some sports program. When on business trip does he sit in his hotel room brooding over the fact that he is not with his family and that his poor wife is at home alone tragically with three kids none of which will sleep and all appear to have gobs of wax in their ears for none will listen? Nope. He is out to dinner, drinks, baseball games, checking out local tri-clubs that have Olympic athletes who coach them. When he needs new clothes he buys them, his hair is neatly groomed complete with product. He has been like this since I met him. I used to be like this too. I really don't think that it is selfish. A year ago I did. But today I don't. People are nicer to one another when they take a little time for themselves.

This past month I realized why suburban moms are grouchy and overweight. All we do is drive our families to THEIR lives and purchase things for THEIR lives and not our own. We are constantly in the car, or preparing to be in the car or just returning from being in the car...all the car time was spent driving people to school and activities. I think school and activities are important. So I will drive my kids. I have an iPhone so I can keep myself somewhat amused while waiting for said kids to enjoys their lives. But yet, I am a do-er. I am a person that needs to DO things. I need to move. I need something to look forward to. I need to day dream about it, how much fun it will be and what I will wear. I know I should be above the what I should wear thing but I am not. I think about it. But yet, I hardly ever go out and then when I do I feel terribly guilty about it. My trip to LA this year was so much fun. On a whim, in a very un Jennie-like fashion I left the baby so I could go out and eat with friends, just as adults. It was awesome. I love my kids but adult time is very good. I figured he was fine, he was with someone who watches my friend's son all the time. It was the first time I left him with a non relative babysitter where I was not in the building running on a treadmill. I had so much fun in fact I said to my self, Self what the hell are you doing? Are you just a chauffeur to everyone else's fun? Are you not worth it? Do you not deserve fun too? This is YOUR life as well, the martyr thing is getting a bit old.

I pondered this thought for a while. Then the lipstick and hair thing happened. I thought enough is enough. I got my hair cut. (Grays are still there but I am working on that.) On Saturday I went shopping by myself. The kids stayed with their OTHER parent, he is not a babysitter. I learned that jean shopping while necessary, is never fun, kids in tow or not. Then while Mr. Man was snoozing in front of baseball I up and left for yoga. (I did wait 45 minutes into the nap and did tell him I was leaving, the other people that live here were asleep as well.)

And then the coolest thing ever happened. While I was checking my email a friend emailed that she had a slamming deal on tickets/hotel to London in January because her brother is a travel agent. Do I and another friend want to come? LONDON??? I sat and thought about it for 20 minutes. It was such a deal that it was so hard to pass up based on money alone. Oh I could be all altruistic and say that I shouldn't because we just bought a house and the economy is bad and are there savings and student loan bills and all that. Yes I could Suze Orman, but I didn't and I am not going too. All these thoughts were running in my head, what about the kids will they be OK with the husband? Will he mind? Will they be scared for life? On and on it went, until I let the husband read the email. All he said was "bye."

REALLY??? I can go? You don't mind?

Nope not at all.

The I started squealing and jumping up and down. It was obnoxious but I was and am just so excited. Six nights in London with friends. Do what I want when I want. Its going to be such a whirl wind there will be no sleeping in or succumbing to the jet lag (I never sleep now anyway so I can handle that.)As you all know I love Europe. Do I feel selfish. Yep, but this is my life too and when opportunities like this come up I am no longer going to pass them up because someone may get a cold while I am gone, or eat too much candy, or sleep in their clothes the whole time. The husband is their parent, not their babysitting he can hang. (Plus he is going on his own life changing trip in November that I will blog about...it is an awesome one for sure.) Now I am dreaming of fish and chips, hard cider on tap, tubes, beautiful black cabs, train stations, dreary weather, Earl Grey, museums, Cathedrals, plays in the West End, Harrods, not really Hugh Grant but perhaps Chris Martin. And not to mention what I will wear. I put my check in the mail today and lifted up the little flag thing. It felt good knowing that I was doing this for myself, being spontaneous once again, trusting my husband...I think I am making progress.