Monday, March 31, 2008

princess parties


this is me ranting.

i am not o.k with this. little seven year olds do NOT need to ride in limos (unless their parents are filthy rich and living in manhattan and then it is deemed appropriate by yours truly.)

after spending an absolutely ridiculous amount at the local grocery store on saturday we, as a happy family, decided that the food we had just purchased would not suffice and make a good dinner, but instead, take and bake pizza would. while driving the .015 miles from grocery store to take and bake pizza place the boy noticed a really long car. i noticed the strange contraption on top of really long car to which i was told "that is a satellite."

the really long car was pulling up to either starbucks or marble slab. i commented that it was too early for prom. really long car stops and out pop suburban parents? and then, the seven year old (to my estimation) princesses. one had a tiara on. it was a bleepin' birthday party. they took the limo to marble slab. because that is entirely appropriate for elementary school children...riding in LIMOS. 

i didn't even take a limo to prom. i drove my little red mazda hatch back and arrived in my sequins in style. i didn't even ride in a limo at my wedding. (although there was one there, i rode in something else).

yes folks, my first ride in a limo was during the vegas years when we went out for some debauchery and in vegas limos are as cheap as cabs. i even wore my slutty sassy backless shirt which i still have and have been threatening to take it out and wear around the house (after the little angels have gone back to bed of course)

anyway, where i am going with all this is: this has just gone too far in my book of jennieness. birthday parties are completely out of hand. what is wrong with just cake and ice cream, a slumber party, a backyard camp out? seriously limo rides, spa trips, ponies, and don't even get me started on that sweet sixteen show. in my high horse opinion this is all just for the parents especially when this is done for the preschool crowd.  my advice to parents out there: you can say "no" to your children, their wants know no bounds.

hope you enjoyed the splashing. 

Sunday, March 30, 2008

some quick thanks and some links

thanks to eat play love for mention of these two very funny (other) blogs that i would like to pass on to you, dear reader.

this one is simply hilarious: stuff white people like.

and this one fulfills my inner voyeur: fridgewatcher


oh, and a quick thanks to vintage thirty for blabbing about picnik. that photo site is really quite addicting.


more rants to come tomorrow

Friday, March 28, 2008

so did you eat the plastic or not?

i wanted to write about how happy my new fancy schmancy coffee pot makes me. i wake up and there is coffee, how awesome is that. apparently these new fan dangled contraptions have been around for a while. our t.v.s are fifteen years old, we are slow.

then i thought i would write about how STUPID three legged gimpy dog ate the tulip bulbs. (there is some debate about their toxicity) she is fat and on a diet, and i guess was hungry.

but instead i will write about my daughter acting like a goat. or at least the mere thought of it sending me into a tachycardic episode.

one very happy husband called yesterday to inform me, the children, and our dear manny that he obtained tickets to the nugget's game and they were for KLAND's box suite. wouldn't we all like to join him?

"really?! i get to unleash my children upon the other peons in your office who are all dressed up and accessorized properly?" this. is. going. to. be. awesome. baby girl is dancing. clapping her hands. the boy is going nuts at all the stimulation. the manny is enjoying a beer. i was paid a complement by the boy about how i am WAY prettier than those "dancing girls." blush blush melt. husband is cavorting with the other peons. everything is going to plan.

and then it happens. husband sets baby girl up at the bar pours her a drink. straight up water. in a hard clear plastic cup. i hear a crunch. i see some itty bitty pieces missing from the hard plastic cup. i find all but one. did she swallow it? that can't be good can it? it mean it seems rather sharp. my mind is racing, bowel perforations, septic toddlers, renal failure. DEATH! i am now sweating and i am sure my heart rate was far north of 180. i grab handy dandy iphone and start dr. goggling a mile a minute. i call dr. mom who was trying to be quite reassuring. finally i convince the menfolk that it is time to go. NOW, not when the game ends in three damn minutes but NOW NOW NOW! stomp stomp. the foot has spoken.

three hours later we left urgent care. apparently they were more worried about radiating her to see the plastic (which they can't see the plastic on film anyway as it turns out) than they were of the plastic doing some damage. so she didn't even get an x-ray for her trouble, or if there was any trouble. i still am not sure. i am to stare at her for 48-72 hours watching for fever, abdominal pain, blood in stool, and vomiting. but i was told not to worry, she is most likely absolutely perfectly fine. in fact she may not have eaten it at all. so far for all of your information taking purposes there has been two, um, stools, since the incident and both appear to this very hyper mommy, uh, normal.

an then...

at three am the boy walks in and announces MY EAR HURTS. WAAAAAHHHHH. great, i can handle that, he's got tubes, we've been through countless ear infections. but for whatever reason i become an insane person about children ingesting foreign objects. maybe that coffee pot isn't so good for me after all, i think i have reached my caffeine quota for the day.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

i wuv each and every one of you, sniffle sniffle

after viewing the video below last week i decided that i am going to be a tigger and not an eeyore.

here are some great things happening in my life right now:

1. i just got back from shopping and lunch with two very great friends and their kids (and of course dear manny). this shopping trip included new spring clothes for the kids (thanks mom) and a fancy shmancy new coffee pot and toaster from williams sonoma (thanks for the gift cards santa). nothing like helping out the economy to brighten my spirits.

2. the husband went with us to speech yesterday and then left work at five!!!!!! i thought it was a sign of the apocalypse, but so far nothing. it was so nice having him home.

3. it is about seventy degrees out and i wore sandals for the first time this year. woo hoo.

4. thanks to the drastic reduction of iodine in my diet my skin has vastly improved. (however after realizing it was not the sugar causing the problem but instead the fish i started eating the candy again and now i may have to start running a wee bit more.)

5. i get to hang out with these to crazy humans, all day, every day.



6. the husband will move me out of the country, i just have to be patient.

7. i am very grateful for all of my friends and family. thank you all so much for being in my life. (don't worry, sarcastic jennie will return tomorrow.)

here is the video that changed my perspctive (just make sure you got some kleenex ready)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Happy Easter Pictures


It was a little too quiet out there...little girl had found her basket


then the boy did (check out the snow and the christmas jammies)


trying to behave before church


I am just plain cute

Thursday, March 20, 2008

mommy needs some privacy

this is WAY more information that any of you need, but i just can't help myself.
while kvetching on the phone with the husband yesterday morning about BIG BAD insurance company, the boy came running in to tell me that "baby is playing with those things for your bottom." I went out to see what bedlam could be occurring and to my delight saw, yes, baby did indeed have things for my "bottom." she had lined up all of my tampons on the kitchen table. (*gasp* she said tampons). they were lined up like tampons in a conga line for God and everyone to see. for starters this should not have occurred in the first place but baby has a knack for getting into everything all the time. (and since re-doing the bathroom we have not re-installed the child locks.) (bad mommy) but the real kicker is that the boy knew these were for Mommy's bottom. I have tried to shut the bathroom door, they just barge right on in. i have found that locking results in tantrums so loud the neighbors eventually will call the police. don't they know they are interrupting my hiding space?

mommy needs some privacy and a new place to hide

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Letter to Large Corporation

Dear Large Horrible Insurance Company,

The time I spent on the phone with you this morning was a real treat. Thanks. The time I spent on your website trying to find out what is actually covered under my policy, again a real treat. The automated voice system is real classy. Maybe you would like a recap of our conversation.

Very irritated me: Why is this preventive well child claim not covered?

Condescending you: Because you've used three and your policy only allows for two in the second year of life.

Very irritated me: Oh, really. I see one at 15 months and one at 18 months. When was the third?

Condescending you: In August.

Very irritated me: You mean her twelve month check up? The one that was THREE days after she turned a year?
The one that she was not allowed to schedule until she was at least 365 days old? That one?

Condescending you: Well, that was technically after her birthday. But, I can see your point. The "computer" did this actually. Let me send this to a processor to see if we can cover this claim.

Very irritated me: So because she had her doctor look at her three days after her birthday you aren't going to cover this claim? So she would basically had to have had her appointment on her birthday? Is that what you are telling me?

Condescending you: Um, I am not sure. I will let the processor look at it and then we will notify you in writing some time between seven and thirty days.

Very irritated me: Thanks.

So very large horrible insurance company I had a great time with you this morning. Oh, and the letter I received the other day was a real hoot. You know the one about you so graciously deciding to cover Baby girl's admission to the hospital. Isn't that what we pay you lots and lots for? Oh, and the fun we had last year when we talked daily about the boy's speech coverage that we have listed in our policy but you didn't want to cover at first, that was outstanding. Thanks large insurance company for taking our money and then trying not to pay up. Oh, and how was that CEO's bonus this year? Large enough for the fourth house in Aspen? Yes? Thought so.

Sincerely,

Very irritated me

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

shoes and pickles

" i am going to make breakfast this morning."

"oh, really boy? what are you going to make."

"don't worry, i got it."

I roll over to my husband and ask." when is their mother going to pick them up? I mean i have been watching these kids for four years now." the husband pretends to be asleep.

baby girl starts to cry, she wants out of her cage crib. so i go get her and jump back in to my bed with husband pretending to be asleep.

the boy runs in with breakfast. four pickles. one for each of us. two in each grubby little paw. "we are having pickles, my favorite."

baby girl begins to fuss. this is her purpose in life and makes sure to fulfill it as frequently as she can.

"its ok baby, here is a shoe." (the boy's attempt to calm her down) she continues to fuss. "how about a boot?"

"oooh" baby girl calmed down instantly at the site of the boot.

"i guess she was in the mood for boots today mommy."

so i get pickles for breakfast (at least they were delivered in bed) and Carrie from Sex and the City.

Monday, March 17, 2008

no brain incident #3,852

sometimes i have foot in mouth disease. sometimes i deposit my brain and then can't remember where i put the locker key. here is no brain incident #3,852. while the husband and i were on our great texas adventure last spring, i had not one, but two of these moments. a few years back husband and i bought a Thule to carry around on top of the car. not to put anything in, but just to carry around. all the cool kids are doing it. so when we very impulsively schlepped the whole family to deep in the heart of texas for five weeks the Thule actually served a purpose. with all of the diapers, toys, curlers, domestic animals, and clothes the back of the gas-guzzlin' mama mobile was quite full so on went the Thule to help transport more toys and probably diapers.

once in the big D, and yes i do mean dallas, we unloaded all of the animals, children, and diapers. we did not remove the Thule. I mean we do have Colorado plates on the car, we needed to appear as though we always have skis on hand...just in case. after we had tired of the pool at the very nice home-like hotel i began exploring the city for malls with play areas and thankfully found one close by. there are parking garages at malls there, not here. Thulies are too big to fit on top of gas guzzlin' mama mobiles and not get smashed by the roof of the parking garage. oops. it was just a *little* broken.

so not three days later i see a tennis ball sized mosquito bite on the boy's ankle. since we like to check out ERs in every city we visit i figure this was out perfect excuse to check out the big D's finest. the boy has a mosquito allergy. heck, why not. stinkin' texas mosquitos. but when checking out the "foreign" ER i had only one choice...a parking garage. (or at least that is what i told the husband). Thule still on the car I plow through the garage making such a racket, plastic was flying. it was now more than a *little* broken. oops.

husband was none to happy. why was the Thule not removed from gas guzzlin' mama mobile after the first brain out of body experience? can't say for sure, except maybe we like driving around with broken things attached to the car. husband had no choice this time. it had to come off. it was thrown in very nice home-like hotel's dumpster.

i am curious why the parking garages are so small in texas? I mean it is TEXAS, land of large trucks ( with blue balls hanging of the back bumper for pete's sake). EVERYTHING is supposed to be bigger in texas. not the parking garages. being a texan himself, husband was not pleased i was blaming texas for my idiocy. oops.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

not now mr. tax man

mr. cpa husband is trying to make me do the taxes RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT. i am cheating. i am with you. my blog. i love you blog.

something is off in the universe


since the manny has been "residing" (by which i mean squatting) with us the husband and i have enjoyed way more date nights that i ever thought possible. yesterday the manny once again volunteered to watch the little darlings so said husband and i could enjoy time in a chain restaurant and then ice skate. the skating was husband's idea and is a story all of its own.

when we arrived at the very crowded fish restaurant we we noted something VERY peculiar. our old car. there was exactly one spot in the parking lot left right next to the old car. about a year and half ago we were in an accident on the highway. rear ended. sometimes traffic just stops and so we stopped with it, but alas the gentleman behind us did not and smashed into the end of us deploying his air bags. we were on a hill and somehow the front of his car went under ours smashing up parts not visible from a casual look. Ms. Progressive came out and totaled the the thing an hour later.

we were both pretty freaked out by the whole experience mainly because the kids were in the car and baby girl was only five weeks old.

so when we arrived at the fish restaurant we were completely shocked and a bit weirded out by seeing our old car and then parking next to it. i wanted to rip the 26.2 sticker right off of the thing, I EARNED THAT STICKER! we also laughed at the Key dealership tag on it, since Key is in Florida.

where did this car come from, a dealer? an auction? It obviously had not be fixed cosmetically. not the gap between the trunk and left side panel. was this even legal? (we found out after a few google searches it is legal as long as the title says salvaged.) anyway, the fish restaurant had a ridiculous wait. we are not catholic and forgot about the whole fish friday thing. plus i remembered, while waiting, that i am not eating fish right now. (fish = mommy zits and mommy is vain). but really it was just too strange. we left and had mexican instead.

has anyone else had anything like this happen?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

woman stuck to toilet seat


this is hilarious, the husband and i were watching the news last night before going to bed and heard mention of a women (naturally in a trailer) that had been stuck to a toilet seat for two years. why is that even news i asked. when returning from a commercial we of course watched the train wreck. apparently a women had refused to leave a toilet for two years and her skin had somehow grown around it. which is just plain strange and raises all sorts of questions. but then we saw where this happened. Ness City, Kansas!!!! This is where the husband's grandparents live and a lot of his family grew up and lived until recently. when the news showed the trailer I recognized it. Ness is a godforsaken place. the most we do while there is eat more than humanly possible and watch Rural Life Network. this is a wonderful station with lots of rural life anecdotes and Polka Joe.

a few years ago the boy decided to have a seizure while we were in Ness. i remember thinking during the incident and then at the very small hospital, "NOT HERE we are in DELIVERANCE!" Ah, Ness City, Kansas always good for a laugh.

thankfully all i will have to do to get my questions answered about this very odd occurrence is make exactly ONE phone call and I will know EVERYTHING. thank goodness, now i will be able to sleep.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

histoire d'amour...partie deux

she wrote in her journal that she had just met her husband, the night after the long kiss in the garden. she absolutely knew it was him. he met her family, they fed him hamburgers outside near the creek. they went dancing, saw movies. ate popcorn with sugar on it, drank vitel. one afternoon while driving in the white mercedes he asked her to go to amsterdam with him. a couple weeks later they joined some friends there. she showed him the museums and where the Frank family hid. they both looked at the girls in the windows when they thought the other wasn't looking, she ate sushi for the the first time. they discovered wine. too much wine.


he left for israel and returned with dead sea salt and a ring. it was gold with turquoise embedded in it. she wondered quietly to herself if someday there would be another ring.


they traveled to london together where they saw plays, he had never been to the theatre before. they wandered the streets in the rain, coming up from the tubes like rodents. they visited chinatown and ate dim sum in a small, hot, crowed basement restaurant. they meandered through piccadilly circus finding a pub and sat at a both to drink cider. when in the british museum they viewed mummies, the rosetta stone, and mesopotamian jewelry while he told her about childhood trips to east texas. they camped in the rain near dover and visited a castle, went into the white cliffs to see where allied forces had a command center during WWII and learned it was used up until the end of the cold war. they ate fish and chips at the ugly duckling, a small pub with pictures of poppies plastered all over the walls.


one afternoon while sitting on the couch at the chateaux he asked her to live with him. they soon found a home in a little village named deudeldorf, where there was cobblestone streets, a bakery, old gates that had survived the war. they got a dog, a crazy dog.


note the american washing machine and dryer, couldn't handle the euro ones


to be continued....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

uh oh, she blogged twice in one day this can't be good

so after putting the darling angels to bed at a ridiculously early hour i opened the newsweek. (thank God for Newsweek and NPR otherwise no telling where i would get my information...the weather channel?) Hillary is on the front cover and inside there is a spread from quite a few female writers as to why or why not they would or would not vote for her. i honestly had not made up my mind until this point, i didn't even caucus because i was completely on the fence about who my vote should go to (that and my face was peeling off). i really do like obama and if it is him or mc cain, obama is my guy. since i did not caucus and can't decide in real terms (since super tuesday is long gone) this is who i am supporting. Hillary. and this is why.

I feel that all three are on pretty much even ground when it comes to experience. i don't buy the arguement that one needs to be in washington for an extended period of time to do good or bad. look at the last two presidents both from southern states (okay texas is western too) and one worked out and the other not so much. the three we have running today, all senators. it will either work out or it won't. i am a liberal and i say that word proudly, the policy differences between hillary and obama in my mind are simply not that large. oh sure they may carry out certain reforms (like health care or pulling out of iraq) differently but the end result will most likely be the same.

i like obama and i do get swept into his message of hope, really who can't. but you see, it seems a little too hollywood, well rehearsed, a little to perfect for my taste. he is a beautiful speaker, and we certainly need that. (or do we, seems to me a great many of the population voted for someone who canbarely speak a simple sentence). so let me rephrase, i feel that it is important for one to be eloquent while running for president. i have noticed that the twentysomething group is his largest voter block. i fall into this block for the next year and four months, but i am not the typical twentysomething. i am a stay at home mom of two kids, one of which is four. i had my children young by choice. i am not, however, your young shrinking violet baby maker cookie baker who votes republican and listens to focus on the family. so call me an oddity.

i am rooting for hillary because i am a woman, i have a daughter. i watched my single mother start college when i was five and finish her obgyn residency when i was starting my senior year in high school. i never realized the extent that women are still being shafted until i had my own children. my husband is a good man and this is no reflection on him as a person, but i am fully aware that i would not be able to put in the hours and climb the corporate ladder at the same pace as he is able to while having two small kids. women, working outside the home or not, still do more housework than men, more cooking than men, and still get paid less than their male counterparts. i witnessed this first hand when i was a working stiff, but i didn't keep my mouth shut, i raised holy hell in my office one hot afternoon. when i decided to stay home, it wasn't because i felt my place as a women was only at home, but because i wanted to be home with my kids and i felt that no one else on the planet Earth could care for them like i could. but this was completely my choice and my husband supported me on it, just like i am sure he would if i went back to work, or got my masters, or got another tattoo.

but, that doesn't mean that we have completed our feminist work because woman can work or stay home, or they can be a doctor if they want. look at corporations, are there big gender differences between the pions at the bottom (majority women, higher college grad rates) and the well to do managers/partners at the top. yes. women have to decide, do i want to fight for this job or will i put family first? because you really can't have it all at the same time. are men faced with this quandry? nope.

anna quindlen makes an interesting point in her essay at the end of this week's newsweek when she discusses michelle obama leaving her kids with her mother to go help obama campaign. this is ok in the eyes of the media for she is helping her husband and they are with their grandma. what if she were campaigning for herself? what if chelsea were not 28 but instead 14 like when her father was running, would hillary's mothering skills be called into question? weren't they in 1991? because every working mom's parenting has been questioned while i never hear of dads being taking to task for having a job.

another point that caught my eye while reading, there are 800,000 people who are basically slaves entering this country every year. many of those victims of human trafficking are sold as sex slaves. men decided what these thousands of women were good for, sex and sex alone. what does it say to the world if we elect a woman? oh sure there are many female prime ministers and chancellors around the world. probably the most note worthy being margaret thatcher, but let us not forget that this is the united states. as jingoist as that sounds no other nation or world leader can ignore the u.s. and a female president says change all around the world, not just at home. maybe then female armed service members wouldn't have to cover their arms in 105 degree heat in the middle east but instead could cool off like the male soliders. because i seriously doubt we would have had segregated troops if we had entered apatheid south africa. but those female troops still had to wear an abaya while deployed to saudi arabia and ride in the back seat of a car while off base in 2002, for "cultural sensitivity."

so yeah, i am hoping for change, i am voting for hillary. from one bitch to another. thanks tina fey.



p.s. i love these two quotes:
"It may be the cock that crows, but it is the hen that lays the eggs." Margaret Thatcher

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton, Mayor of Ottawa 1963.

help i am drowning

under piles and piles of toys. useless pieces of things. they are living under my bed, the kids' bed, the dog's bed. i find them in the fridge, in the cabinets, we've pulled two toilets because of flushed toys, i smoosh them to the side of the tub while i am showering, the boy and his toys join me in the middle of the night while i am peacefully sleeping, they have taken over the back yard, the garage (the husband's are mixed in there as well), the ENTIRE family room. there is no escaping the blinking, the blaring, the stuffed animals that are as prolific as bunnies, the crayons, the play-doh, the match box cars, the dolls that have their own cribs, strollers, blankets, bottles, it goes on and on. so when my aunt who just had a baby in January (at 48!!! Lord, have mercy) requested some toys and some hand me down clothes i had a party. i was on the floor sorting through toys and i was ruthless. so long toys. so long outfits. let's just keep this between you and me though, mr. pack rat husband will be chasing the manny all the way through kansas just to retrieve them. i, on the other hand live in reality, and know that MORE toys will show up in the middle of the night to take their place, all the while i am dreaming of a clutter-free home.

Monday, March 10, 2008

"Patience dear... I’m just finishing up the filling for the eclairs. " The Mad Housewife


My husband came home from the adult libations store with this pretty bottle. He said he just couldn't resist. That man must love me a lot.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

gertrude the ant (i had too much time on my hands apparently)

in her small life span of about 90 days, gertrude set forth as she did everyday. she awakened, and i use this term lightly because her sleep cycle is not one like humans. she, like all 700 hundred thousand of her fellow workers were sluggish for the first couple of minutes, then started out on her straight path to find food. she tunneled up through the dirt smelling along the way, for she cannot see very well. would she have to travel far in order to find a bit of fruit to take back to the colony, or would she find something in the dirt that could be stored for futures ant populations in a few months? she was a lucky one, for it was august and she would spend the remainder of her life outside searching for food instead of hibernating as those in january would spend their time; only awakening to make sure the queen and the others had enough fat to keep the colony alive. she didn't know any of this of course, for she was just an ant. this would be a longer day, no food in the dirt so far. her small black head poked out of the moist brown earth, it was just barely light. the grass was getting long, she would have to watch out for the lawn mower today. she didn't know this either of course. she had spent the previous two and half months first taking care of other small ants and the queen, then moved up the ant work ladder and did the basic housekeeping tasks for the colony. now that she was in her elder age she was to find food, for this had the highest rate of death and only the wise old ladies could handle the task, either that or the young ones were setting the old biddies out to pasture all the while getting something in return.

there were few other ants belonging to her colony out at this hour so her lines would have to be straight, no meandering around in search of the perfect morsel, just complete focus on the task at hand. she was to find a piece of food small enough to take home by herself but one that had the most caloric intake. this food was needed for future generations you see. as it was not yet prime picnic time gertrude kept walking, she came to where the grass stopped. she was going to have to cross the extremely large drive way. hopefully no cars backed out over her, it was still early and maybe it was saturday, there was hope. she made it across back into the grass. fortunately for her it was saturday and the boy and his magnifying glass were inside watching saturday morning cartoons, jumping off of the couch with a cape on pretending to be a superhero named "fred, the ant killer."

once back in the grass she felt relatively safe, but she did have to keep her antennae on the lookout for other ant pheromones. she was unaware of a nearby red ant colony plotting an attack. she was a simple black ant and her only defense was her strong mandibles, but she had little in the way of poison to ward off any larger ants, especially those of the red variety. today however, was not the red ants d-day and she would remain safe from harm.

it had been unusually hot lately, even for august, and the usual crumb source had only been removed from the air conditioned home straight to the air conditioned car without dawddling around in the front yard. because of this there was a food shortage occurring. still continuing in her straight line she came to a small puddle, this was here not because of any recent rain but because the sprinklers had been on far past the recommended ten minute increment and so water had begun to pool in the dirt. the sprinklers were no longer on, but the sun was not high enough to evaporate the water within the three seconds it would take later in the day. somehow she would have to go around the water. this would take incredible brain power for gertrude, for she would have to leave the comforts of her straight line and use the little ganglia in her head in order to decide the best direction she should take to circumvent the puddle.

she chose right, most creatures choose right. she proceeded cautiously at first and then not detecting danger moved a faster pace, she did not want this obstacle to take all day. once around the puddle, which had a circumference of eleven inches, Gertrude returned to her straight line. It was now almost mid-day, she had never ventured so far before. suddenly the grass ended and once again she came to cement, this time it was not a driveway, but instead part of the foundation of a home, her smell receptor detected the crumb source. she would have to venture in, it was her destiny to enter this dwelling, find a crumb and then follow the same line back to the colony.

she squeezed through a crack in between the door and the siding of the house. she smelled crumbs everywhere. after crossing the vast hardwood flooring, she made it. she had found the mother load, for she was standing underneath a highchair. crumbs where everywhere. Gertrude could hardly contain herself. she picked up what appeared to be the perfect crumb, that of a brownie. she raced out of the house as fast as she could. she had heard horror stories of chemical warfare in such places. she did leave as many pheromones as she could so maybe more of her colony could come in here and retrieve this perfect morsel of food.

eventually she made it back to the colony, it was late in the afternoon. after presenting the food she excitedly explained about her source, more food than one ant could every hope to find. she was unaware that the raining of crumbs that fall almost like a blizzard at times occurs at least three times a day and that the dog in her elder years rarely cleans them all up. the colony decided it would set out earlier the next morning and send hundreds of workers in to complete the task, they would not starve this winter.

early the next morning while the woman was starting her coffee the household was awoken by a horrible shriek. hundreds of ants in a perfect line streaming through the house having a party underneath the highchair. gertrude had led them to the highchair of all highchairs, one that belonged to the messiest baby on earth. gertrude had fulfilled her destiny.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

my boy, the chef

since the husband has taken to rising at 4 am, the boy, in his preschool wisdom has realized, that if he wants to see his beloved Daddy he needs to wake up even earlier than the usual 6 am. so at 4:30 in the morning on monday the boy was up and ready to start the day. he had declared he made us breakfast even. a cracker sandwich, which is a wasa cracker in between two pieces of bread, which he sliced in half with a butter knife. nice and dry just how i like my cracker sandwiches. on tuesday it was a blackberry sandwich, pretty much the same as the cracker one but with blackberries instead. of course this occurred at 5 o'clock in the morning. so on wednesday when he announced "breakfast time!" at 4:45 am i was expecting some sandwich variation, but to my surprise it was yogurt, yo-baby yogurt to be exact, he had removed the lids and provided each of us a spoon, and not a regular spoon but the very large serving spoons. so the three of us had our yogurt (yo-baby happens to be my favorite simply because of the fat content being so high) although i did not actually wake up baby girl at this early hour to join us for she is NOT a morning person. this morning the chef had the day off and i made breakfast at the "normal" 7 am time frame. to which he apologized, "i am sorry i didn't make breakfast this morning, mommy." melt.

so, i suppose i can put up with the early breakfast time when he is just so darn cute.