Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wanted: One Wife

The Jennie Household Inc. is seeking a qualified wife/mommy to work full time. The CEO can no longer keep up with the unruly staff and traveling accounting department while working overtime. Current requests for grandparent intervention have been denied or ignored. 

Do you like staying up all night with a fussy infant? Giving  small children multiple time outs. Do you cook low cholesterol meals? Do you clean litter boxes?  Do you enjoy changing diapers and potty training stubborn two year olds?  Do you put four other people before yourself on a daily basis? Do you have no goals or dreams of upward mobility? If so then this job is for you.  

Position requires no extensive travel to exotic locals. Extreme patience and attention to detail is a necessity. Qualified applicants will not have a fear of excrement and vomit. NO educational background is a plus due to mind dulling tedium that comes with the job.  Applicant must be able to wash 14 loads of laundry, cook 21 meals from scratch for 4 people, provide 14 nutritious snacks for two picky children weekly. They also must be able to clean up poop from naughty dog, change a nasty litter box, vacuum daily, mop, clean bathrooms, make beds, pay bills, grocery shop, help with homework, chauffeur children to school and activities, listen to husband's delightful insights on the state of the economy, and watch Jay Leno nightly. Qualified applicants will also change diapers, potty train, bathe and shower children, wipe bottoms, faces, hands, and pick up toys four hundred and eight times daily. Employees will also wake multiple times during the night to be entertained by a chubby baby who enjoys eating his meals on a two hour schedule. Extreme neurosis regarding germs and other children coughing is a mandatory requirement. Wife requirement of the position requires absolute respect for husband and writing smart ass blogs are NOT allowed. 

Appearance requirements:  Those applying may not get sick, shop for themselves, enjoy a warm meal, they must feed the Jennie family prior to eating. Employee must remain patient, smiling at all times, and may not complain lest they seem ungrateful. Personal haircuts are to be received on a twice annual basis. Nails are to be brittle and  legs are to be unshaven. Showers must be limited to once a day and no longer than five minutes in duration. Baths with bubbles, candles, and trashy celebrity magazines featuring Matt Damon are not permitted due to scheduling constraints. Workout time is permitted if other child care arrangements can be made two weeks in advance.  Mom jeans are not allowed  nor are five extra pounds. 

This position has no compensation or benefits package.  Thank you for applying, alleviating current CEO's demanding schedule will allow her to actually enjoy her children and her life, not to mention the trashy magazine featuring Mr. Damon. 


3 comments:

Cathy said...

LOL--you make it sound too good to be true!! That first 6 months of sleep deprivation with a newborn were just HELL for me both times around. Hang in there. :)

love2cook said...

HAHAHAHA, I was laughing the whole time!!! Gosh, you are hysterical! It'll get better.

EatPlayLove said...

speaking of which, papa is leaving tomorrow, damn it. I'll be interviewing any applicants you can down stream to me, thanks.