Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Daaaad, Mom's rambling on the computer AGAIN! part one

(I am trying something new here for a bit. I love to write this is the only reason for this blog. I am going to be writing one very long narrative and see where it takes me, continue reading if you like I am not sure how long I will keep it up but its mainly for me so if you get bored and don't want to read I won't mind and there are only about six of you that actually read this crap anyway)

The husband travels a lot. Somehow I think is a cruel joke the universe has played on me. Like when you're trying to lose weight and people keep bringing you free pies, key lime, chocolate mousse, rhubarb strawberry all of your favorites but you can't eat them because you are on Weight Watchers so you watch them eat them instead. Then you bite into a carrot just to be sociable. You see, I love to travel. Since having kids it has gotten more difficult because we are now buying four plane tickets and there is all the luggage, car seats, minivan rentals. Not quite the same as a backpack, Lonely Planet book, and a baguette with fromagge. That will be my life again, someday. Unfortunately I get to watch my husband go places. Granted, it is usually to places I have no interest in going like Ohio or Michigan. Sometimes he goes cool places like California or New York, then I pout. And yet with my wanderlust I seem to have developed an afraid of flying thingy over the past couple of years. Not quite sure what that is about, I think it is the lack of control issue. Anyhoo...

While I was living my bohemian life in Europe I became a nanny for a few months right before we returned to the States. The kids were pretty cute. Twin babies and a three year old boy. I was apparently this family's Mary Poppins because they didn't want me to move back and when they went to Egypt on vacation they took me with them, and then paid me too. It was in February 2001. I remember laying on the beach next to the Red Sea thinking to myself "Self, you have got the sweetest life ever. Two weeks ago you were skiing in Switzerland and now look at you tanning in Egypt. You must have been a very good person in your past life."  Then a few months later I was married, living in Las Vegas, quickly realizing that a pre-med degree was not for me, nor was Vegas, then came the job which completely resembled The Office (I was Pam, always nice.) You know with all the gender discrimination that sexual harrassment that comes with working these days, not to mention bitchy strippers turned mortgage brokers who hadn't yet learned that throwing tantrums is generally not acceptable behavior in adults. Then came pregnancy one, two, and three, the move to Colorado, the overworked traveling husband, and an aging yet still very naughty dog and her sidekick the cat. Suburbia. Where my life's worry is whether or not my kid will get opened enrolled in school next year or am I just going to have to move. 

I have been trying to return to that beach or at least that mindset for the past eight years.  Its not like my life is hard. Especially now. Three kids is time consuming and there is very little sleep or personal time,  but it is no way hard. The husband's travels pay him well, my kids are healthy, my marriage is way stronger now than a year ago...not much to complain about right? Yet, I still have my good friend anxiety with me. Its more like a mean dog than a friend. You see anxiety or worry is there because we were supposed to stay alive in harsh conditions eons ago like a dog is supposed to be man's best friend. But then life got way more easy and yet this primordal anxiety fills people up over stupid crap like laundry.  Man's best friend turned bad. So this postpartum anxiety is now like a bad dog chained to a tree that if you get too close it will growl and bark and you. But at least this time it is tied to a tree as opposed to baby girl's postpartum fun fest where the dog was chasing me all over the backyard and the fence was too high to jump. I am not sure why we even keep this dumb old mean dog around. I guess I am afraid they will put it to sleep at the pound, so there he is attached to the tree.  

Even though I am having  all this fun with suburbian anxiety, kids, traveling husbands I frequently let my mind wander back to this beach next to the Red Sea. But last weekend a glimmer of hope reemerged in my mind. It stated "hey there dummy you get to play in both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans this summer... and not only that, but you are going to both DISNEYLAND and DISNEY WORLD in one summer! Wake up stupid. Your life is pretty damn good." Then it kicked the dog tied to the tree. I smiled and loaded the family up in the truckster  and went to the Rockies game. 

~more later, hopefully tomorrow~


Anonymous said...

I like reading your posts and can totally relate to what you are saying. Especially about how things "used to be" and anxiety. In order for me not to focus on how simple life used to be, I've been trying to reinvent myself and interests. It has helped with being happier in the moment. I also do a gratitute journal when things are getting tedious/rough. It helps me focus on the positive. As for anxiety, that is always a struggle. A few things I've tried are focusing on nothing but the anxiety for 20 min., then doing something else and not allowing my mind to fixate on the anxiety. If I start it up again, I go to my place and think about it again or write about it. It's actually been helping. And sometimes getting out by yourself is so calming and relaxing. It gives you time to focus. My favorite is going out to lunch by myself or browsing bookstores. Sorry for rambling.... :)Melissa

Kathleen said...

I love reading your posts too, you have such insight into things. When things are busy and there is so much going on it can be hard to take a step back and see the whole picture, things aren't always as bad overall, we have it pretty good.

The stress and anxiety side of life is hard, especially with kids. it's hard to find that thin line as you do need to think things out and make choices for your family that might affect their whole lives, but at the same time you don't want to be sitting stressing out about choices as it can take over and cripple you.

What we need here is another night out!