Sunday, November 8, 2009

Cancer the Crab with a Kenyan update

I don't check my horoscope or really put much thought into astrology. However if you read about traits of Cancers (why that name, I mean really?) I pretty much fit it perfectly. I am a big mushy mess on the inside who compensates by having a nice hard outer shell with mean pincers. Unfortunately, this results in me bottling things up and then having a quarterly tantrum. I don't cry in public, my husband and mom have seen me cry in recent years but I can only think of one time that I did in front of friends as an adult. I didn't cry at my wedding and I didn't cry when my kids were surgically removed from me, but I am an extremely emotional person. This blog allows me to write out thoughts that I would never say to people in person, I am pretty shy at first and then I will disclose stuff and then pretty soon it is impossible to shut me up. I believe this last part is because I crave adult interaction and when I get it I blab and blab and blab. I forget while writing sometimes that this gets posted on Facebook and then I worry that people I know in real life will think I am either: nuts, a bitch, ungrateful, snobby, and/or (of course) a socialist. But hey this is pretty much who I am. Then the husband left for Kenya and my stupid shell got cracked or something...

This trip is so emotional for me and I have yet to really figure out why. I am not there experiencing anything, just my normal day to day routine, and yet I feel like I am experiencing so much of it. This is causing my usual state of trying to NOT be emotional at all costs to be turned on its head. I am happy and thankful and nervous and so incredibly proud of the person I married all at the same time. The normal hard shell of resentment is just gone and I feel quite exposed.

The nice thing about him being there is that even though he is in a place of such poverty for a $1 an hour he can write me an email to tell me about his day. Maybe that is why I feel apart of his trip. He's a private person and I'm not sure he would be into me sharing his emotions but I just have to share this:

"I have realized that 3 year olds can listen and not run around like crazy people, I also know that 7 year olds can take care of babies and you can be happy with nothing its just a choice."

He has been there for two days and just being around these kids he has seen things that we here try our hardest to block from view or somehow try to tell ourselves the people in that situation deserve what they get. When I read his sentence I started laughing and got choked up at the same time. I know so many grown adults that are so selfish and irresponsible there is no way on God's green Earth I would let them watch a baby, and yet in Kenya a 7 year can because she knows nothing else. The mere thought of a three year old listening sounds impossible but he seems convinced and that last part about happiness, well that's what choked me up.

This weekend he got to play with the kids, I guess soccer (or football as the rest of the world calls it) and then today they took the kids swimming at the hotel, all 27 of them. These kids have never swam before. I distinctly remember NOT wanting to take my kids swimming because it seemed like such as hassle. My foot is starting to taste awfully good. Tomorrow he starts work on the kitchen and playground and I most likely will get choked up again, share some thoughts with whomever is still reading this and then salt and pepper my foot before shoving it in my mouth.


Jen said...

Please keep sharing what he sends. :)

Anonymous said...

It's perfectly okay to get emotional. You're entitled because you're a human being, that's what we do :) I'm so glad J made it safely and is impacting these kids. Yes, so much to be thankful and grateful for in our lives. Looking forward to hearing more about his service. - MH