Friday, May 14, 2010

you are good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me.

When I went to Germany, I held a few jobs. My favorite job that I have ever had (outside of this gig I got going on) was being med. tech. I was a biology major, my goal was to be a doctor. I think there is a genetic predisposition in my family for this. My mom is a physician, my father is a Biology professor. I loved my job. I worked in a clinic, I assisted in the operating room, I stapled people shut, I put catheters in them, I suctioned newborn babies. It was awesome. My favorite memory was of a woman who said right before going under, "I'm not sure if it is me or the drugs but are you two related?" I was observing and learning how to cath people in the OR that day. My mom and I were fully scrubbed in, which means we were fully covered in surgical garb head to toe, our eyes were showing. My mom and I sort of look a like. But the woman later said it was our eyes, we were both standing looking over the room in the same way that made her think we were related. Very observant woman. I was so proud. I really thought that was what I was going to be. But then things changed. When I returned state side I was in a chemistry class from hell over the summer in which I studied for 8 hours a day and STILL got a B. My confidence crashed. I have this obnoxious habit of if I'm not good at something I hate to do it and so I don't do it. I figured medical schools don't like Bs screw this I'm changing my major. I had been in Germany for two years and this was my first time back in a science class. I took classes abroad, but they were mainly History and Political science classes. (Which I discovered I really liked as well.) So that afternoon in the 117 degree Las Vegas heat I threw a little fit in the stall of a bathroom and changed my major. I was sick of college. I wanted a job. I just wanted to be done. I busted my little rear and was done that next summer, graduating with history and poly sci major and a 3.8 GPA. Then the finding the job part....that's another blog entirely.

Years later all things science and medicine stick in my brain. I stay home. But staying home has done something to my confidence. (A little came back while in London, it was nice.) I used to feel the need to tell people that I used to work, that I had a degree, that my husband and I worked really hard to get where we are. So this is my current situation: I have three kids who are sick, over and over and over. I am constantly at the doctor with them. I am not a mom that will rush right in at the first sniffle. I have anxieties about them sure and I do have an irrational fear about foreign object ingestion, but this year has taken the cake. This lack of confidence and just letting the medical establishment push me over is now DONE!

There is nothing tragic going on in my household, but when the pharmacist knows your name and you now have the personal cell phone number of a specialist you know that things were allowed to go on way too long. This leads me to my other annoying attribute, I want people to like me. I am laid back, but I laugh things off when I shouldn't. I have always let advantage taking relationships linger for way too long. When my pediatrician tells me repeatedly to wait it out on EVERYTHING I should have just told her "no, I have been waiting too long." I have enough medical knowledge to know which specialist to see based on certain symptoms. So that is what I have done, taken her out of the loop. We are finally getting somewhere and getting things under control. Unfortunately it is involving a whole LOT of drugs. So when I called that lovely office today to get a script sent over to yet another specialist, based on the recommendation of the first specialist I was no nonsense. I said that it HAD to be done today.

I need to get back to that young girl who believed she could do anything, lack of confidence begone. Perhaps all that knowledge from before is so I can advocate for my kids now. That I can raise the bullshit flag when needed. Who knows what I will be doing in ten years or what my kids will become. But they are certainly not going to be on drugs and sick all the time because of mismanagement of very common conditions.

My husband is a badass in the regulation area. He is my bulldog. He has no fear and waltzes in to HUGE firms talks to the big wigs and basically interrogates, gets answers, and is done. No nonsense. He prepped me this morning on this come to Jesus moment the kid's doctor and I am going to have come Monday. I used to have a bulldog attitude in my job (and have little patience for crap in my personal life) so I just needed a refresher course. Between my husband and my twenty year old self scrubbed into a surgery I think I will be ok. I can do this. I mean, these are my kids...and as any parent knows, that love for your kids is something fierce.

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