You see, I am a worried mama. If you have kids (and most of you reading this do) you know when things are just off, you know when a sneeze is more that a sneeze and it means all hell is going to break loose in a few days. You have a radar that is constantly out scanning for danger. I try to keep mine from beeping too loudly so I may enjoy the time I have with my kids without good old anxiety taking over and ruining it...but this noise is rather hard to block out once you are tuned into it. Ham is sick a lot. Ham also turns blue. We are in the process of figuring out why he turns blue. This morning was spent hooking him up for an EKG on his chest only to have him rip it all off just as fast...while screaming bloody murder. The echo was a no go too. A whole two hours at the cardiologist (that I waited four weeks to get into see) was wasted because Ham was shrieking his head off. Why was he screaming so much? Oh, because he has his third ear infection in five weeks. He has tubes, while they worked wonders on the boy they have done absolutely nothing for Ham, except that we can see mucous draining from his ears now. Its like what comes out of one's nose, but it comes out of his ears. It is vile stuff. We are seeing the doctor again in a few hours for antibiotic shots, because we have exhausted all oral antibiotic options. His fever hovered between 104-105 all last night, so I can't really blame him for screaming at the cardiologist office, I wanted to too. But then they would have called security.
I have Carol's smiling face looking at me as a reminder that Ham will have his EKG and echo...unlike her situation we have good insurance and will merely sedate the boy. How long the wait will be, I'm not sure, but it will happen. I need patience. Things will get better. We will get answers to why he is always sick and blue and we will deal with them.
One thing that Mr. Man learned from the kids in Kenya is faith. Those kids there have almost nothing, but they have a lot more faith that I do. That is sad. Sometimes I just want to have a tantrum over all of this. Its been a rough spring, the boy was diagnosed with asthma, we had two minor procedures, and countless infections. And, well, my stepbrother's death. But we got through all of it. I have a partner who cares for his family more than anything, I have wonderful family, and terrific friends. I am working on having the faith that we will continue finding answers, and that even if we spends waaaaaaay too much time at home this summer, things can always get worse, but they can always get better too.